Midnight Musings

October 28, 2024

Written by Katherine Lyons

Care to Share?

For me, relationships have always been the most important thing in my life. Even when I was a stubborn little kid whose favorite word was “no,” I would be completely devastated if one of my classmates was mad at me. I remember one day in seventh grade a girl in class said everyone thought I was “conceited” because I walked around with my hands in my pockets and wouldn’t look at anyone. (Nowadays nobody looks at each other, but we didn’t have shiny screens to stare at back then.) I didn’t know what the word conceited meant, so I went home and asked my older sister. I was horrified to learn that they all thought I was “stuck-up,” when in fact I was just horribly shy.

For an introvert, and maybe for everyone, relationships are hard. There’s always a tenuous balance between what and how to share, how to receive, and how to be there for the other person. My personal goal (obsession?) is to never be in conflict with anyone. Ha! Good luck with that, Kat! Life is full of conflict. You may be able to avoid one, but another one is right around the corner. There is one lesson/strategy I’ve learned that has helped me avoid conflict more than probably anything else (when I remember to use it!) which is: not giving advice unless it’s asked for. Same goes for opinions, because while they’re a totally different thing, they have an equal if not greater chance of creating a rift between two people.

You’d think this wouldn’t be a problem for an introvert, because we’re so shy. You’d be wrong, at least in my case. I have a lot of ideas and insights, and at my core, though it may not always show, I really do want to help other people. Considering my penchant to keep quiet (close friends notwithstanding), all this stuff gets bottled up inside with nowhere to go. Hmm, maybe that’s why I had to write a book full of advice and strategies for equestrians. (See: “A Horse for Every Rider: Mastering the Art of Equine Selection”) With the book, I don’t have to worry about my advice not being asked for, because it’s not like I’m going into people’s houses and reading it to them…though that is a marketing strategy I hadn’t considered. Instead of an audiobook, I wonder how much I could charge to ride to work with people and read my book to them while they’re driving. I’m totally digressing here— sorry.

There are lots of factors involved with this sharing thing. Not only what to share with whom, but timing, setting and tone. Sometimes people just want to be heard and validated. That’s also valuable and important in any relationship. Making these everyday choices has gotten easier with practice, but I still screw up from time to time. With close friends and family it’s sometimes the hardest, because I’m the least guarded and yet I care the most; a troublesome conundrum. If you’re like me, you’ve got different people for different topics…. Religion with this person, politics with that. Even in the horse world there are so many different values, beliefs and personalities to consider, not to mention moods! It can be hard work keeping these things straight, and invariably errors in judgment are bound to occur, especially when I’m tired or hungry ;). I’ve gotten quicker at apologies and verbal retractions, and while they don’t take back the words, I like to think the sentiment is appreciated. Unfortunately this only helps when I suspect I’ve upset someone. Other people may have different coping mechanisms, so they might not tell me—and my brain can imagine all sorts of ways I might have messed up when someone doesn’t return a text.

Of course there’s also the reality that sharing got a lot more complicated with the age of the Internet, phones that are always listening, and everyone storing and selling our information. As I’m dangerously close to stating an opinion on that topic, I’ll leave it at that. I’ve always been a little in awe of those special people who don’t seem to worry about any of this. I imagine them being happier, more at ease with life and themselves, when in truth I have no idea what their inner struggles may be. Still, I fantasize about becoming more like them and know that for me…it’s never gonna happen.

I am lucky enough to have one person in my life who I can freely tell all of my thoughts, ideas and opinions—however crazy they might be—without fear of any harm to our relationship. Thankfully it’s someone I come home to every day. I often refer to my husband as a Unicorn, and he truly is that for me. The most empathetic and least judgmental person I’ve ever known, he laughs easily and loves me unconditionally. I’m not sure what I did to deserve such a magical creature in my life, but I’m not complaining. At least not about that ;).